Prepping for a piss…..(Number 3)
After slow traveling around the world for the past 11 years I have seen some stuff and lived wild travel stories.
For whatever reason, I seem to magnetize myself to zany, funny and death-defying situations.
If you want a good laugh or dramatic story enjoy my 27 most colorful traveling experiences.
1: Nearly Dying in India from Giardia
The doctor said my pulse was feeble.
After losing nearly 20 pounds in 10 days due to giardia in India I became dangerously dehydrated.
My wife and the home owner dragged me out of the bed like a rag doll. The toilet didn’t even look like Skittles anymore; tapped out.
I suffered through an excruciating ride bumpier than being pulled through the Himalayas on a carpet.
Ryan Rag Doll was dragged into hospital. Rushed into emergency room. I got fluids and local antibiotics but didn’t completely recover until 1 month later.
2: Hitting the Pavement Superman Style During a Motorbike Accident in Bali
I slammed into the pavement chest first. Blacked out. On waking I could not breathe.
Was I dying? Pierced lungs? After 15 seconds of desperately trying to catch my breath – eyes bulging out like Arnold’s cyber suit in Total Recall – I could breathe. But I was bed bound for the next 3 days and every time I tried to get up it felt like 50 little demons stabbing me in the back with Ginsu knives.
3: Being Urinated on by Monkeys in a Remote Costa Rican Jungle
A light mist cascaded upon my dome from the jungle canopy as a troop of agitated monkeys all but cursed me out, thrashing the leaves and branches 100 feet above.
The monkeys in Buena Vista, Costa Rica were so unused to seeing people that they threw sticks at or urinated on humans to defend their turf and as a warning sign.
I heeded. With a light covering of monkey Pomade in tow as I wandered off into the jungle.
4: Being Attacked by 2 Wild Men in Kathmandu
1 guy asked for money for a buttered roll and sunk his chicklet chompers into my biceps.
Another guy whacked my right arm full force after smiling at me like the Cheshire Cat. More wild travel stories.
Both were wild men in Kathmandu, Nepal.
The Nepali Nibbler and Kathmandu Krazy both made it into Blogging From Paradise fame. Thanks guys.
5: Being Stalked – then Chased – by 2 Burly Lady Boy Prostitutes in Bangkok
Hairy arms grabbed my wrist like a vice grip.
After squirming away, each of the Thai Burly Lady Boys jogged in my direction, forcing me to sprint as they screamed:
“Come here, boy! YOU so handsome!!”
6: Seeing Boobies at the Bensin Stand in Bali
On eyeing the water jugs I spied a different set at a gas station in Bali.
Mama fed baby while feeding my motorbike tank gas, or in Bali, “bensin”.
I gassed up. Baby passed out. Mom multi-tasked.
7: Facing Down and Helping Slay a Spitting Cobra in Bali
The spitting cobra danced to and fro, lining us up for a blinding shot of venom.
A spitting cobra broke into the chicken coop in Bali. 2 chicks were dead. The mama hen lay dying. I sprinted across the compound with a spade to aid our fellow house sitters.
The cobra was dispatched but only when we had already experienced a few terrifying moments, dancing with death in Jimbaran.
8: Snatching a Kitty from a Deadly Krait in Bali
The bright blue shade shimmied in the tall grass.
The cat leaned in, an inch from this exotic color.
I instantly thought: “Krait!” (I sometimes think out loud.)
Grabbed Krazy Kitty, who viciously slashed at me out of surprise. I bleed like a stuck pig for a minute. Snakey sneaks into taller grass, never to be seen again.
9: Watching My Toe Swell into a Sausage in Costa Rica
A pain like a world class arm wrestler gripping onto my tiny toe with white-hot, super-heated pincers seized me and caused excruciating suffering.
1 hour later I could not walk. 2 hours later the pinkie toe in my sock turned into pigs in a blanket.
3 days later I slowly got back on my feet. Whether a jellyfish or some other little nasty, it put me on the shelf for a minute.
10: Evicting an 8 Inch Centipede in Thailand
The fangs opened and closed. Mandibles from Hell.
An 8 inch long Scolopendra centipede sprinted into the kitchen. I tossed Yoda to the side. He is a dog. And proceeded to hunt the ‘pede.
This bug with an excruciating bite climbed walls, hid beneath couches and lashed out at me in self-defense.
30 minutes later I batted him baseball style out of the window, sending him into oblivion.
11: Showering with a Bird Eating Spider in Thailand
Don’t worry. My wife knows. But I did shower with a fearsome bird eating spider in Thailand.
Juvenile spidey. But this is the most aggressive species of tarantula on earth.
I removed him from Kelli’s clothing via broomstick and soon found this out. He jabbed at me fangs-first, daring this farang to com just a ‘lil bit closer.
12: Evicting a 6 Inch Scorpion in Thailand
This place in Thailand had some critters.
A menacing scorpion stumbled into the kitchen. Pincers out, he poised his stinger when I gently coaxed him from the crib with a broom that got some serious use.
I deposited him in the manicured garden for a fancy feast…for him.
13: Screaming at a Guy Who’d Been Shot in the Head as the Prince’s Motorcade Drove by in Thailand
He was shot in the head during the war.
I yelled at him as he tested my patience, insistently asking me if he could park his money into my bank account.
I am a chill dude but after hundreds of badger-ings I all but lost it. I went bonkers, screaming at the dude as the Thai Crown Prince’s motorcade – at the time – whizzed by at a breakneck speed, with soldiers saluting and Thai hustling from the street, created a Chiang Mai version of I Am Legend.
14: Watching a Veritable Trail Mix of Nuts and Spare Change Shower People During Turbulence on a Flight over Fiji
Cashews and Brazil nuts sprinkled onto the lady’s carefully coiffed hair, giving her a nut perm.
Then a few nickels showered down from the heavens.
She gave a stupified look to guy next to her who shrugged back.
Kelli had tossed nuts and spare change – don’t ask – into her backpack. I shoved said backpack into the overhead compartment on the plane. I could not secure said pack as the flight attendant made me sit during takeoff.
Then we hit turbulence in the South Pacific, causing the Trail Mix and Pennies from Heaven Shower that blessed our fellow flight mate.
15: Breaking Up a Fight Between a Soi Dog and French Bulldog in Thailand
The most recent entry on this list, I broke up a savage fight between a huge, ferocious soi dog and an insane, game French bulldog in Thailand.
Both pooches met in the air like canine gladiators. Big dog grabbed Frenchy by the neck, shaking him like a rag doll. I stupidly reached in to break it up and got a nasty little cut on my end.
After what seemed like 3 hours, my friends came to the rescue and we broke it up. Both dogs were fine.
16: Watching a Large Cockroach Dance around My Eyes Mouth and Chest in Thailand
Filthy Fred Astaire tap danced on my hair, eyes and lips, traipsing toward my chest….all while I thought I was dreaming.
I was not.
I woke into a living nightmare in Pak Nam Pram Thailand as the deft roach danced all over my body. I jumped toward the ceiling. He flew into the corner. 4 hour later I slept with 1 eye open.
17: Barfing on a Bus in Burma
I gagged violently, putting the fear of God in both Burmese an tourist eyes on the bus from Bagan to Inle Lake.
After imploring the bus driver to stop I ran into the field and projectile lumpy dumped beside fresh cow paddies.
Many barfing episodes – in the bathroom – later, we began a torturous journey around winding hills.
I called Puker’s Squatter’s Rights by the toilet. Owned it. 8 hours later, we arrived and my stomach settled.
18: Fighting a Homeless Vagrant in Nicaragua for My Flip Flops
“Payoso!”, I screamed as the toothless, homeless guy stole my flip flops.
He had asked for my shoes all week long. Once a day. I ignored him after the first day, explaining I had one extra pair and needed to keep ’em.
So he brings back a little skinny kitten, melts my guilty gringo heart, I walk into the kitchen to get cat food, he fishes out my flip flops through the iron grated door with a 10 foot long branch and I sprint back and grab his arm just as he seizes said flippies and sprints off like Usain Bolt with bad case of diarrhea, heading for the can.
19: Touring the ‘Hood in Nicaragua with a Drunk Guy on an Odyssey Looking for Cigarettes
I went on a drunken odyssey with a blitzed Nica through a ‘hood in Granada.
He spoke rapid fire Spanish to me. I responded in snail Spanish. We then wandered around the neighborhood as he slurred/asked local shop owners for smokes. Some of whom definitely had no smokes.
Fave moments:
- me attempting to cover his cig from the wind as he lit it with a match (this looked very, very funny)
- my non sequitir Spanish (Him asking me my age, me responding with “39”, then following up with “that mountain is beautiful”)
20: Evicting a 3 Inch Cockroach from the House in Fiji
Fiji Freddy was a shower guy.
Like other large critters on this list he liked chilling in the shower. Which worked for me. Because I could be in and out of said shower with a broom (again) and deep dust pan, my weapons of choice for removing little/big guys.
I cornered Freddy. The 3 inch cockroach. Corralled him. Deftly made for the front porch while hiding the insect invader from Kelli. Tossed him 30 feet into the Fijian jungle.
21: Being Mobbed by a Swarm of Winged Termites in Bali
Kelli screamed.
I flailed about like a guy in a straight jacket filled with fire ants.
We mistakenly left the door open and light on a night after the monsoons began in Bali. Which meant thousands of winged termites swarming any lights. Like the light inside the room. Where we lived.
We both grabbed brooms as termite wings, heads and legs besieged our buddies, assaulting our senses and grossing us out in this Biblical scene.
15 minutes later Tokay geckos and ants feasted on the termite remains as we swept a half inch of termite out of the abode.
22: Sitting in a Locked Cage with Three 400 Pound Tigers in Thailand
The three, 400 pound tigers beckoned but I waited in the wings.
Kelli sprinted into the cage fearlessly. I was a fraidy cat. On some coaxing aka mocking by the Thai guy handlers I grew some balls and dove into the den.
Petting, stroking and smiling at the tremendous tigers – without staring into their eyes because that meant a challenge and potential throw down – I spent 20 minutes with these titanic kitties, watching their knife-sized teeth as they yawned and ignored us puny little humans.
23: Slapping a Bullet Ant off of the Kitchen Sink with a Filthy Dish Towel in Costa Rica
I whipped the critter with the world’s most painful insect sting from the kitchen sink with a dingy dishcloth. Yes; if these guys sting you it feels like getting shot.
While doing the dishes this inch long ant snuck up the spout. I slapped him into the jungle canopy.
24: Living Amid an Invasion of 1o,000 Army Ants in Costa Rica
The exterminators made an early visit.
The first few imposing army ants barged in on my early morning breakfast. For their early morning breakfast.
I figured something was up when I saw 100 plus ants with savage jaws butchering a large scorpion beside the organic crapper. Meaning beside the vile outhouse.
1 hour later the hut/house/haha shack was overrun with thousands of ants, feasting on wasp larva and sending the resident 8 scorpions in the haunt – along with a nasty looking centipede – to find any possible army ant free area high up in the hut.
2 days later the ant hoard swept back, West to East, after the initial East to West sweep. Smart guys.
25: Being Caught in a Dust Storm in Qatar
The wind roared.
Kelli and I received a sand blast surprise in Doha, Qatar.
After cruising back from the mall a version of The Mummy Lite met us. Big gusts, steady sand streams and a continual gale sent World Cup Stadium workers heading for the hills and me heading for the villa.
I got a cold out of the experience. At least I avoided scarabs.
26: Riding with Reckless AND Angry 3 Wheel Lankan Drivers in Sri Lanka
SE Asian drivers are sometimes reckless. No big deal.
When you mix recklessness with intense rage, you have a problem.
I recall one ride with a tuk tuk driver through Colombo, Sri Lanka involving said angry, reckless driver cutting off fellow 3 Wheelers at 40 to 50 MPH, weaving, cursing, giving drivers the finger and basically alerting us that our lives were not worth the dog dookie on the sidewalk.
Flipping over felt imminent. As did seeing 2 combative Lankans duking it out on the street. Picture Mario Andretti, Mike Tyson and a keg of C4 all rolled into one.
27: Fixing our Water Supply During a Torrential Downpour in a Fer De Lanz Infested Stream on a Mountain in a Remote Costa Rican Jungle
During 3 days of virtual non-stop rain – this places get 15 to 20 feet of rain yearly – our water supply became muddy. I had to carefully climb a jungle gorge in blinding rains and through roaring rapids to jiggle the water hose/pipe to remove dirt build up.
The homeowner noted how he spotted notorious, aggressive “bite first and ask questions later” fer de lanzes in the area, perhaps the most aggressive and dangerous snake on earth.
I jiggled. In the jungle. Our water cleared up. I made it back fang-hole-free.
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