Bangkok, Thailand.

 

Being Stalked And Chased By 2 Burly Lady Boy Prostitutes In Bangkok

 

As we work down my list of 27 Of My Most Netflix Worthy Colorful Travel Experiences I want to dive into the Terrifying Thai Lady Boy Twosome.

 

“Boy! You So HANDSOME!”

 

The words rung like a 50 pound dinner bell in my ear. Grabbed my attention like a whiny baby seizing its rattle.

 

A split second later I spied the source of the complement; a Damn-Near-Male Duo of burly, brusque Thai lady boys.

 

The scene: Bangkok, Thailand. Time: 5:40 AM.

 

I was passing time before our round the world flight from BKK to JFK in NYC. A wee bit of insomnia. So I wandered toward Khao San Road.

 

Shop owners busily prepped street stalls for the day while street walkers prowled for the slim pickens of the farang variety, mainly men who appeared to be in their third trimester or hiding a beach ball under their bed sheets masquerading as T-shirts.

 

As the “Fatty Farangs Looking For Bang Bangs” stumbled about, walking off their overnight drunks, a small army of prostitutes put in work to separate these bloated boys from their Baht.

 

One such duo set their eyes on me, clearing away their copious mascara to send that verbal volley my way as I walked by their little corner set up.

 

On hearing that someone fancied me, I turned to see a hulking duo of hefty proportions. One lady boy appeared more feminine. The other lady boy appeared more masculine than James Brolin on 6 year’s worth of horse steroids, dripping with testosterone, making Brock Lesnar look like Jessica Rabbit.

 

Said Burly Boy grabbed my arm. It felt like a vice-grip, as if a rabid pit bull locked onto a thigh bone with its insanely powerful jaws.

 

The other tricky Thai tried to reach into my pocket – the classic 1-2 Farang Baht shuffle – for some cash but I was wise to the game.

 

After a few moments of light banter I smiled and awkwardly slunk away like a dog that had terribly disappointed its master, backing up to keep my eyes on the Thai Twosome as I retreated.

 

I eventually hit the end of the block. Time to turn around. But I had no choice. I *had to* walk by said Gruesome Twosome to get back to the hotel in time, to meet Kelli and leave for the airport.

 

As I slowly crept along the street, attempting to avoid detection, a rough and ready, menacing-looking soi dog walked by wearing a oversized, plush, smiling Tweety Bird doll around its collar.

 

This added to the bizarre, wacky, off the wall, somewhat even macabre nature of the scene in Bangkok at about 6 in the morning as the night crew met the morning shift.

 

I make my way back toward the Thai Twosome, sneakily traipsing through the tulips, worried the Twosome would worry me with their fearsome-looking, farang-chomping fangs.

 

*Just* when it seemed like the coast was clear on Khao San I hear an impressive bellowing from behind me…..

 

“Come Here BOY!”

 

The Duo broke into a slow trot after me. I jogged. The Duo jogged after me. I ran. The Duo ran after me. I sprinted between street stalls like Usain Bolt on Jolt (cola reference) bobbing and weaving between splattering oil, fried fish, curious curries and all manner of street food.

 

After 15 seconds of Olympic-style-sprinting these folks were still in the distance, hustling for their last Thai Baht of the day, trying to finagle some finances from a farang.

 

I eventually lost the Lady Boys, me all but turning into a fine farang mist before their eyes.

 

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