5 Intriguing Toilet Situations from My World Travels (Not for the Faint of Heart)

22
  November 3, 2016 travel posts 🕑 4 minutes read
In case you need coaching. From Koh Lanta, Thailand.

In case you need coaching. From Koh Lanta, Thailand.

 

My toilet looked like a Jackson Pollock painting.

 

A palette of tropical colors speckled the inside – and outside – of the can.

 

I wasn’t sitting on my throne for 10 seconds before I had to violently twist my body at a wicked angle.

 

To contort myself.

 

To projectile vomit into the bowl.

 

Except this time, nothing exited my body.

 

Tapped out.

 

Bone dry.

 

Which was a horrifying thing.

 

This meant I was almost completely dehydrated.

 

1 hour later I was whisked to the emergency room in Muhamma, India, enduring the most excruciatingly agonizingly bumpy tuk tuk ride.

 

2 days later I began a slow, grueling recovery.

 

My gastrointestinal tract can tell some STORIES, lemme tell ya!

 

And it shall tell 5 such stories today.

 

With my assistance.

 

1: The Muhamma Episode

 

I almost died in Muhamma, India.

 

Because I contracted giardia and became dangerously dehydrated, and came within a few days of biting the Big One.

 

Didn’t eat for nearly a week.

 

Couldn’t keep water down for days.

 

This was AFTER a trip to the emergency room and GAINING 3 to 5 pounds in Muhamma, India.

This was AFTER a trip to the emergency room and GAINING 3 to 5 pounds in Muhamma, India.

 

Projectile liquid from both ends.

 

When things were good, my toilet bowl looked like a liquid version of Fruity Pebbles.

 

I’ll leave it at that.

 

2: Macchu Pukko

 

I nearly had to crawl on all 4s, like a drunk, defeated dog, to tell the tour operator I warn’t gonna make it to my Machu Picchu trip.

 

I walked outside in 31 degree (Fahrenheit, non US folks, Fahrenheit) temps wearing a pair of shorts.

 

No shoes.

 

No shirt.

 

No tour service for me. That day.

 

After crawling 4 floors back up to my apartment I vomited the remnants of whatever I had consumed the 3 days prior.

 

Either food poisoning or poor judgment after getting high on coca tea (I did NOT get coked out) led to a violent case of da pukes.

 

I was huddled over the toilet, hugging the bowl for dear life as a Skittles-like jambalaya of colors and consistencies spewed from my mouth.

 

This was only a 2 day affair.

 

1 day for Machu Puking.

 

1 day for a pretty swift recovery.

 

3: Outdoor Toilet

 

Kelli: “Where is the bathroom?”

 

Bus Driver: “Outdoor toilet.”

 

Kelli: “Where’s that??”

 

Bus Driver: “Anywhere.”

 

The prior dialog transpired on a bus ride from Kerala to Chennai, India.

 

We went….anywhere.

 

Which has been the experience on any bus trip through India.

 

Even though rest stops were available I often preferred Nature.

 

Because the 1 restroom I entered – which was “serviced” – well, I was met with a large snake crawling through the window and a pee latrine that hadn’t seen running water since Mahatma Gandhi freed India.

 

I passed.

 

For a collection of well-placed bushes.

 

4: Explicit Instructions in Koh Lanta Thailand

 

You saw the picture above.

 

Kelli snapped this image at the bathroom in Koh Lanta, Thailand.

 

Explicit, the Thai are.

 

No beating around the bummy bush.

 

Just defecate on it.

 

Pour water on the defecation.

 

Be fair to your neighbor.

 

A courtesy pour?

 

I only used a squat toilet once.

 

Not a life or death situation.

 

Just a squat toilet or Pampers moment.

 

After using the squat I thanked the gods we always pack toilet paper for our travels through remote areas.

 

5: Using an Outhouse in the Remote Costa Rican Jungle

 

Homeowner/Hut Owner: “So, how’s the outhouse situation working for ya?”

 

Me: “I’m squatting over my and my wife’s feces for the last month whenever I need to drop an Arkansas Steamer or Texas Yule Log, but other than that, everything’s pretty good.” (I may have embellished my response.)

 

We used a vile, nauseating, gag-worthy outhouse when living 3 miles deep into the jungles around Bribri, Costa Rica.

 

Whether peeing or pooping, we trekked to a rickety old structure often surrounded by bullet ants, and not 5 feet from a log pile no doubt inhabited by snakes and scorpions.

 

Note; I first spotted the colony of 5,000 army ants which went on a murderous rampage through the house/hut when on the faux crapper. Something benign happened there.

 

After nightfall, rather than walk 50 feet to the outhouse, in a remote jungle TEEMING with fer de lanzes, eyelash vipers and other lethal, violent, aggressive and downright nasty snakes, I just dug a hole, filled the hole and covered it up, since the dog routinely ate sh*t sandwiches when folks didn’t cover it up (The homeowner told me).

 

When we left this freeing, enlightening and sometimes brutal sit, I sprinted past the outhouse.

 

Never looked back.

 

Have you had any…..intriguing toilet experiences during your travels?

 

Or at home?

 

If you want to travel the world through blogging check out my blogging course.

  1. Ryan Biddulph says:
    at 9:34 am

    I vividly recall one of the Tico workers leaving the prior day’s Meat Lover’s Casados in the outhouse pit, right before I used the…..restroom.

    The local toucan looked down on me as if to say: “Everything alright?”, as I gagged and made retching sounds.

    Any disgusting toilet experiences from your travels?

  2. Bren Pace says:
    at 12:21 pm

    LMAO Oh my gosh, Ryan! This is hysterical! Well, wait, I’m sorry. Not about your incessant vomiting and projectile “squirts”. That’s not cool. 🙂 But just the stories. I love it. You’re so REAL to so many of us bloggers. Someone to admire and look up too. Hell, I think I may have to share a few toilet stories myself! 😉

    Thanks for sharing and for the giggles! Enjoy Paradise!

    B

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 1:15 pm

      Hi Bren,

      LOL happy to make ya chuckle despite reading about my vile bodily functions hahaha! So glad you enjoyed it. Feel free to share. Really. These humanizing stories, humanize us 😉 Thanks for reading!

      Ryan

  3. Amar kumar says:
    at 3:53 am

    Hey Ryan,

    I am regular reader of your post and i really love to read your interesting incident while in way of travel. From my opinion you always enjoy every moment while traveling and some of them become landmark on your life circle. Eventually, thanks for sharing your interesting thought with us.

    With best wishes,

    Amar kumar

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 3:47 pm

      Hi Amar,

      Happy you’re digging my travel posts 😉 I will put a few more out there to inspire, to entertain and to show folks I am a bit more than a blogging tips guy 🙂 Thanks for reading!

      Ryan

  4. Nelson Mochilero says:
    at 3:43 am

    Great stories pal. Had fun reading.
    You missed what is the final lesson learned from all these experiences.
    🙂

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 2:53 pm

      Hi Nelson,

      Cool buddy 😉 I would say: be REALLY careful about what you eat around the world and bring toilet paper LOL. Thanks for commenting!

      Ryan

  5. Md Aftab says:
    at 9:09 am

    Having just re read you post after digesting its content the scannable aspect really made an impression on me and I am now thinking I need to adopt this style, not just because you have proved it works but because it does look so much better when reading a blog.

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 2:58 pm

      Hi Md,

      Yep I love making ’em scannable. Thanks much for commenting 🙂

      Ryan

      PS: noting those Black Friday links everywhere LOL.

  6. Lydia Brown says:
    at 5:34 pm

    Well you have convinced me that when I chose a place to visit I need to ask for pics of bathrooms. I hope I will never be able to top anything you have experienced. I love the way you write only way I got through this. I can’t even get over the fact that reading the title compelled me to. I’m sick than I thought. lol Look forward to more of your traveling news. May the force keep you in plenty of toilet paper and somewhere worthy of using it.

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 11:48 am

      Hi Lydia,

      Ha! Great idea. We could have done that a few times; woulda saved me heart aches. And maybe belly aches too LOL. Praying to the TP and sanitary bathroom gods as we speak. Thanks much!

      Ryan

  7. Sue Slaght says:
    at 10:52 am

    Wow you have had some serious toilet encounters my friend. Very colorfully written I must say! Yes lots of toilets or lack there of in rural Turkey. Many puzzled, head tilting puppy looks while figuring out the situation. I so wish I had taken more photos. Just back from remote Baja Mexico where the guides set up porta potties for solid waste but all liquid in the ocean. Same for rafting the Colorado through the Grand Canyon. Much easier for the gentlemen on the trip. 🙂
    Cheers
    Sue

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 11:45 am

      Hi Sue,

      Ha! Puppy dog tilt head. Love it! Guys, admittedly, do seem to get on better with the crazy toilet situations from around the globe. Easier, ummmm, relief LOL. Thanks for commenting!

      Ryan

  8. Pari says:
    at 7:27 am

    You had really bad instance while travelling!
    Especially in India. Felt eally bad for you.

  9. Gemma Armit says:
    at 4:08 pm

    Nature’s toilet Ryan! I was caught by a runner during the West Highland Way Trek in an ‘outdoor’ toilet. So embarrassing. Such a funny read!

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 11:20 am

      Hi Gemma,

      LOL! Hey it happens. I missed being caught a few times during our stay in Costa Rica, in the jungle. Once I had to….relieve myself….right by a jungle path. No hiding space. RB, TP, and natural processes LOL!!!!! Thank goodness the 5 or 7 folks who used the path daily weren’t coming through at the poo hahahaha….Thanks for commenting 🙂

      Ryan

  10. Ruth Sheffer says:
    at 8:28 am

    Lived in China for 3 years. They ONLY have squats there except in classy restsurants
    You get used to it. Did not enjoy the one in Shanghai People’s hospital with no doors on the cubicles and badically a small river running through them all…

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 10:59 am

      Hi Ruth,

      Yikes! I recall one eBook I read on China: No Shitting in the Toilet. Some guy went to the bathroom and found a perfectly functioning toilet save the iron grate covering the seat. Preventing sitting. And shitting. Thanks for sharing!

      Ryan

  11. Mark says:
    at 6:15 pm

    Way too many potential encounters with snakes for my blood Ryan!LOL!

    But you are definitely a trooper and your
    journeys are always highly entertaining,enlightening and so educational
    my friend!

    And I see no need to experience some of them personally!LOL!

    Because your recaps are convincing enough!LOL!

    • Ryan Biddulph says:
      at 9:59 pm

      Years later, I will keep being the blogging traveler experiment for anyone desiring to live vicariously through me. Now I seem to be attracting Bigfoot here and there. More than a few experiences over the prior 2 years traveling through the Northeast and even some neat signs in the Deep South. My most vivid experience was in the Adirondacks, not too far from your stomping grounds.

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